This week Eli is off at his Nana and Papa's house spending some quality time and I have had a lot of time (TOO much time) to reflect on where I'm at as a wife and a mother. It has been such a sweet week with Anna but the stillness in the house is obvious without my E-bug jumping around (the kid DOES not know how to walk anywhere). In the stillness I can hear my thoughts and actually take some time to wrestle through them. Here are some deep thoughts I've had this week:
The week started with thoughts like this:
*I NEED a haircut ... made an appointment with an old friend Julie Schwartz down the street at Salon Lofts for next week!
*I NEED a workout plan...I am signed up for a mini triathalon in August. I'm not sure, but I think you need to train for that.
*I NEED to get at least 1 house project done...meaning I need to arm wrestle my husband into getting our closet system up.
Then, my thoughts started getting deeper and my checklist started getting smaller...
*I don't miss getting things done nearly as much as I thought! With Eli around I don't feel like I have time (or energy) to plan ahead so I have become what I never thought possible...a more organic person. Someone who isn't planned but someone who just naturally evolves, going where the wind blows me. With him gone I feel like I have to hunker down and get stuff done and I don't do it very well anymore!! I used to pride myself on making checklists and checking them off. Not only is it hard to do now, but I DON'T MISS IT. I don't miss the constant buzz, I don't miss the nervousness of NOT getting everything done, and I don't miss alienating everyone and everything that gets in my way. I am NOT saying that I don't still do this (I hear my husband laughing right now) but motherhood has definitely taught me to "take a chill pill".
*I don't like being alone, but it's good every once in awhile. Being alone forces me to think and thinking forces me to reflect. I start by thinking about what I'm doing wrong, what expectations I'm not fulfilling, and how I don't even know what I desire anymore. I am able to go back to the drawing board and reconnect with my Lord, myself and my husband, BUT it is hard and almost as exhausting as having my 2 3/4 year old around. Having Eli help bring me back to the surface will be welcome!
*One thing I realized which was both good and depressing is that there is no fairy tale life. I used to think that once I married Todd then my life would be perfect. Then I thought once I had success in my career then my life would be perfect. Then I thought once I had a beautiful home then my life would be perfect. Then I thought once I had kids then my life would be perfect. Then I thought once I can stay home with my kids then my life would be perfect. Now I am thinking once my kids are in school then my life would be perfect : ) Then it dawned on me, NO life is perfect this side of heaven. Of course we get glimpses of it ALL of the time and for that I am thankful! My life WAS the closest I could get to perfect the moment my husband said he would cherish me forever in front of God and our friends and family. My life was the closest to perfect when I had a student tell me that they enjoyed waking up in the morning looking forward to my class. My life was the closest to perfect the moment I birthed each of my children. My life was the closest to perfect each time my children giggled. My life was the closest to perfect when regardless of how I look and how I act my husband tells me I am the most beautiful woman in the world. It is moments like that, that I desire and I get to have them DESPITE of what I do. So, rather than thinking about what I don't have I have been thankful this week for ALL that I have been given.
****So, YES I loved having a single child to take care of this week. However, I truly don't miss "getting stuff done" as much as I thought. I have enjoyed getting back to the heart of who I am as person... can't wait to see you tomorrow E-bug!
3 comments:
Perfect life? HMMM---I'm happy with just OK and calm and peaceful. Anything else is a bonus.
Bonus this week: One of the students in reading class this week said,"Why did you stop teaching; you should still be a teacher."
awesome reflections Leah! good to remember that at no point is it ever "perfect", it is always as perfect as it is going to be! love it!
I couldn't have said it better! I too have found myself in that frame of mind. So you mean when I get out of school, get married, get a house, and have kids my life won't be perfect?! I think a perfect life maybe be obtainable...we just have to recognize we have it. ;) I loved this post, Leah...taught me a lesson too!
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