Good Friday

***WARNING, this is a serious blog.  If you would just like a surface-y blog then skip to the previous blog or come back another time : )  ***

This year I am seeing Good Friday in a whole new "light".   A lot of you already know this, but Todd and I just miscarried our 3rd child.   Why am I sharing this on my blog?   A few reasons:
*privacy is not my forte'...most of you know that
*I want to document all that I've learned so that I can look back and remember all that God has done for me
*I want to offer some encouragement to someone who may be/was/or will be in a similar place

Believe it or not we were not expecting our 3rd child quite yet, or at all.   We knew it would be a discussion, but we have so much going on and Anna is still pretty young that we just had not visited it yet.   Well 3 1/2 weeks ago we found out that we indeed were expecting at 6 weeks.   We had a lot of mixed emotions; shock, and joy being the most overwhelming.   I went in for my first appointment at 7 weeks and sure enough there was a baby growing inside.  I was feeling pretty sick, tired, ect. and wasn't able to get much done around here but was happy to have a reason for it : )  When I went into the doctor again at 9 weeks I had an ultrasound (this is standard procedure at my Dr.'s office) and the baby was gone.   There was nothing inside me.   He/she had just...disappeared.   I was alone (there was no reason Todd needed to be with me) and was completely shocked (yet again).   I had no signs of a miscarriage and really didn't see this coming after 2 healthy pregnancies.   I think my Dr. thought I was pretty heartless because I just sat there.   I don't even think I cried.   Just completely taken off guard.    He said I had 2 options.    I could 1) Pass the baby on my own, or I could 2) have a D & C which is essentially where they go in and remove it for you.   I asked what he recommended and he said option #2 because it was less physical pain and my body could get back to "normal" sooner.   Also because I had not even spotted he wanted to make sure there was no clotting going on.  

I called Todd and then the tears started pouring and they haven't really stopped.   I have never experienced something so heart wrenching in my life.   Death, of any kind, is sad.   Death of a child inside of you is not only sad, but is so personal as a mother.   That was MY child.   I was his/her mommy.   I never got the chance to meet them or tell them I loved them without condition.  This was never part of the plan, any plan.  It wasn't part of our family plan, it wasn't part of God's plan.   God never smiles on death or "does it for a reason".  There is no silver lining.

Thankfully God is good.   He is more than good.   He is love.   I have never felt so carried by Him in my life.  Did he allow this to happen?  Yes.   He controls everything.   Am I angry about that?   Not yet.  While I've been sad, I know that the Spirit weeps with me.   Even when Jesus knew he could and would raise Lazarus from death (John 11:1-45) he was deeply moved by their grief and wept with Lazaurs' family.   He wept with them!!   That is incredible to me.   That means that as I am grieving, he is grieving with me and I take comfort in that.   He also has chosen to not leave me in this place of grief.   Through family, friends, and his Spirit that lives inside of me I honestly feel like I have been hugged, kissed and given the ability to brush off my hands and put one foot in front of the other.

I have also reached a place of thankfulness.   How often do I complain about being a mother and the work that comes with that?  It is hard work, absolutely.   However, it is such a blessing to be called a Mommy.  If you truly feel like you want to be one, then please don't let a miscarriage get in the way.   A friend's doctor once told her after recurring miscarriages, "do you want to be pregnant, or do you want to be a mom?"   That is a question you truly need to ask yourself.   If you want to be a mom (which I already am) then be a mom!    My husband has always wanted to adopt our 3rd if we were to have one.   I've always brushed him off because that seems like more work than pregnancy (which I'm sure it is) but I've thought about that a lot.   Little lives are so precious...if you want to be a Mom, then be a Mom.   That is so much more important than being pregnant (It's not all that fun anyway...).  

So how does this tie into Good Friday?   As many of you know, Jesus experienced death on Good Friday.   He was killed.   God, His own Father, allowed that.   Why?   So that each one of us could LIVE.    So that my baby that never knew me as his/her Mommy could LIVE.   Do I believe I will eventually meet him or her?  Absolutely.   Jesus did so many amazing things while he was here but ultimately this was his purpose...to die for us.  Wow...that's love.

Thankfully the story doesn't end there.   Three days later Jesus rose from the dead...JESUS CONQUERED DEATH.   That's how we can live...that was the master plan.   When it's time for us to leave this side of heaven, perfection awaits.   No more dieing, no more sadness, no more pain.   Thankfully He gives us glimpses of heaven while we are here.   Thank you all for giving me a glimpse of that through your encouragement, your prayers, your food and just being a good friend.   I hope that when you process death, that you will also remember how much you are loved.    This Easter (the day he rose from the dead) is a perfect time : )

Happy Easter,

Love Leah.